"It was not in my plans"


When I think of Fall or harvest? It brings on words like "blessings"..."new beginning", "change", "preparation". In so many ways, I have been blessed upon measure and so much to be thankful for. But, in the midst of realizing your "blessings", there can be sadness and disappointment.

Two months ago I had an emergency hysterectomy...totally unexpected and just a normal day like any other day. As a matter of fact, I was waiting for four of my girlfriends to visit for the weekend...we had a BIG weekend planned. They
called and told me they were only 45 minutes away! I hung up the phone and in a matter of seconds there was pain, numbness in my body like I had never felt before. All I remember is telling my son to hand me the phone and I called 911.

After getting to the ER...they took many tests. My white blood cell was three times higher than normal and I was facing a whopper of an infection. After morphine and talking with surgeons and doctors (different opinions every time a new doctor walked in) it was decided that I needed a hystrectomy. I had a fibroid that was the size of
a large grapefruit(I knew it was there but grew quickly) and was bleeding from the inside out.

I remember the morning of the surgery...crying out to the Lord that this was NOT my plan or desire. I wanted more kids. My dear friend drove
down 31/2 hours to be with me that morning...she was a ray of light and even made me laugh minutes before the surgery. But, deep down, I wanted to grab the hand of my nurse and tell her I wasn't going through
with it.

My husband tried to encourage me. His first priority was having my body heal and I think at times couldn't understand my "struggle" there in the hospital bed(I was in it for 7 days). He reassured me he was content and ready to move on to the next stage. But, oh how I wasn't!

After the surgery, with so much love and support from family and friends, I heard many things like count your blessings, you have 3 great kids etc...it
was meant with love and encouragment. However, that "desire" in me still burns deep and I try to deny it and not entertain my thoughts. But, there is a sadness! I can't go back...it's as permanent as it gets!

My prayer now is for contentment. The Lord has given me a peace most days and excitement with the three children I do have....sometimes if I let my thoughts wonder...there is just an empty "pit" feeling inside. After 36 years on this earth, I should know now that MY plans are not His plans. The Lord has blessed me with the desires of my heart...in His way and timing!

I was holding a friend's baby after the surgery and she swept him out of my arms and said..."I don't want to make you sad." But, I feel nothing but joy as I see babies, baby stuff...showers etc. That is a joyous time and you know what? I enjoyed those moments to the fullest (that is a blessing)...three times! Plus my hearts desire of having a larger family may come in a different way or it may not! This is a verse I cling to often...knowing my future and my hopes are known by my God!

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jer. 29:11

I blogged this today as a reminder for me and you...enjoy the moment of each day that you have b/c Yesterday is over and we do not know what tomorrow
will bring!

Our God is Good!






32 comments:

mysteryhistorymom said...

How beautiful that you can see the rainbow after the storm. You are right, God has a plan for each of us, although it may not match our plans. I will be praying for you.:) Lori

AnnaSam said...

Sandy,
Wow!I sat here and almost started to cry. Not because I'm sad but realizing how our God is so good.We do not ever know what God's plans for us will be. Only he knows.But whatever he decides to bring or takeaway from us,that was his plan.Thanks for sharing this with us and We are all so Blessed!

The Hinesley House said...

I have tears in my eyes after reading your post. My heart goes out to you. Having suffered a miscarriage just a few weeks ago (which will be my 2nd one)I too struggle to find the "rainbow after the storm". I know that God is good and eveything does happen for a reason. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

The Blonde Duck said...

I just stumbled across your blog and I must say--what a wonderful introduction! I'm so sorry for your loss, but I love your outlook!

Nowheymama said...

Thank you for sharing this.

Jerri Lynn @ Southern Sassyness said...

Lovely, lovely post. It was just what I needed today! Contentment in the Lord is truly what it is all about - I strive for this in every aspect of my life!

Thanks for sharing this most intimate part of your life - it really blessed me!

Mrs. B said...

Oh Sandy, I'm so sorry for your pain. Only two months is not very much time for healing (physically or emotionally), but it sounds like you are on your way. I think that your outlook will help you find contentment, even if it takes a while. I hope that you are surrounded by lots of love and support to help get you through this hard time!
Hugs,
Mrs. B

Irritable Mother said...

There will come a time when we'll be able to say, "Oh, yeah! NOW I get it!" And we'll realize God's plans were good.
All of them.
Even the ones we didn't understand at the time - that we wanted to argue about with Him.
Yes, His plans are better than ours.
Praying this Truth will sink deeply into your heart, dear sister!

April said...

Amen!! God is so very good and sometimes it's easy to take Him for granted. Between the births of my two daughters, who are 4 years and 8 months apart, I suffered two misscarriages within 9months. Losing two babies took me to the depths and there were times, MANY times, when I didn't feel I could manage. However, after enduring two years of secondary infertility and going on one round of Clomid, we got pregnant with our second daughter, Abigail (Abby). Her middle name is Grace because we knew that if it weren't for the "grace of God", we wouldn't have her. So, through all the highs and lows of life, God is there for us and He has the perfect plan for our lives.

Thank you so much for opening your heart to us. What a blessing!!

AJ said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and thank you for sharing your story and reminder. You will be in my thoughts and prayers:)

Pennies In My Pocket said...

Tears...they are a comin'.

This is an amazing post. I hardly know what to say. Your outlook is one that we must all hold close to our hearts. A heart of contentment is a pleasing and peaceful one that is blessed by the Lord. I pray that he blesses you big time...

~melody~

Buzzings of a Queen Bee! said...

Wow, Sandy, thanks for sharing that post with us. I had no idea (obviously) that you had gone through that, and so recently too. I am blessed to be able to know that about you and it gives me such respect for you and your struggle. I will pray for you today for contentment.
Carrie

Becky said...

Thank you. I am so sorry for the loss of your dreams. I truly will be praying that they will be filled in other ways and that you will be surprised at the abundance of joy to come.

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I have tears in my eyes....this was so beautiful...

I can totally relate to all of your thoughts and feelings....

You are such a special person....you have a beautiful family and so much to be thankful for....he has a master plan....you never know what your future holds.

Life can be full of surprises my friend:) Never lose faith!

Lisa

Ruby Red Slippers said...

That was a very powerful and moving picture of your life. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. God is good-because he does give us peace through it all and as Jer. 29:11 said, I know the plans I have for you... He still has a plan for you...and His plans are always the best.

~The Robin's Nest~ said...

Wow Sandy,
I had no idea you have been through so much in such a short time. You WILL be in my prayers.
Robin~♥

Rae said...

Thank you so much for sharing such a personal experience. I was so touched and moved. You are an amazing woman who is such an example to us all! May you continue to feel the Lord's comfort and healing!

Our Complete Family said...

Many, many prayers for you. Your post was so touching. It really was. I love what 'mysteryhistorymom' wrote about the rainbow. May your life be filled with an over abundance of rainbows!!! ~ Les

Sandy Toes said...

Thank you for all your sweet comments!
-Sandy Toes

Natalie Jane said...

What a lovely post. I am so sorry, yet so happy for you and all that you have.

Mrs. S said...

Sometimes it's hard to see God's plans when the light at the end of the tunnel seems very dim. It's like when He talks to us in a whisper.

I will pray for your contentment. It's hard when you feel like more children are in store for you but the opportunity isn't there. For my husband & I, we'd love more kids but financially it's hard. We want to be responsible but it's hard to do that and trust that God will do His Will. It's a fine line.

Empty Nest Full Life said...

In the midst of your sadness, just know you have been an encouragement to me tonight. I pray an extra measure of peace that only God can bring. Jackie

hsmomma5 said...

You are absolutely right--there are other avenues. I thought I would never be able to accept not being able to bear children, but I know now that if I had been able to I may not have the five great kids that God blessed me with through adoption!

Smelling Coffee said...

Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse - and it brings such a comfort in the truth that God's plans ARE for our good, our future, and our hope in Him. I always tag Isaiah 55:8-9 along with this verse - that His plans are also bigger and better than anything I can think up and dream of. (Sometimes I dream up the best possible senario, and enjoy knowing that the Lord's plans and thoughts about it are even better than that!)

I'll be praying for you as you continue to heal physically and emotionally.

Amy said...

My goodness!!! I have no words to express how very very sorry I am for your loss, Sandy! Bless you, sweet friend... my the Lord bring you peace as you cling tightly to Him.... and trust in knowing that He is good, even when we don't understand how or why.

Praying for you.. Amy

Suz said...

What a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry that your "Plan" was changed in an instant, I do hope you get all you wish for though.
You have such a positive attitude and a wonderful outlook on life...that is very refreshing.
Take care,
Suz

a kelly said...

Your words are so wise...and I feel them deep inside...
I have one daughter, wonderful and beautiful. But I have experienced loss...2 miscarriages,my mother, and very sadly the love of my life, my husband.
Yet...I trust in God's timing taking the very best memories and moments with me every day.
Yes...truly, we must be grateful for everything good and all that comes along with it.
Peace to you.
Alex

Tami said...

What a heartfelt, touching post.

As you said, your dream for growing your family may not be gone.....If it's His will, your family may grow in a different way; by different means.

God does know what's best for us, and often through our pain, a gift is given which is greater than we could ever dream.

Ashley Griffin said...

i have loved reading your blog too!! have you ever thought that maybe God was just preparing to build your family in another way?
Just something to think about...

Sandra said...

Well I read through the entire post with tears in my eyes. I'm so sorry you had to go through this but I'm glad that you recognize that God has a plan and we may not see it at the moment but in time it will be revealed.

Huge hugs,
Sandra

Denise said...

thank you for sharing your story.
i had a hysterectomy a 1 1/2 ago (at 33). we discovered shortly before the surgery that i had endometriosis. the symptoms came on fast, and heavy. a hysterectomy seemed like the only option. though i was very content with my 3, there was a feeling of sadness,as i knew it was impossible for me to ever have another.
but i did rejoice at God's plans- we had all 3 of our children in the first years of marriage. we have called them "planned by God and not by us," hindsight is 20/20.

Cathy said...

I was absolutely fine with my scheduled hysterectomy until my pre-op appointment. I hustled to my car, after scheduling the surgery, ready for the next errand on my list and totally surprised myself by bursting into tears! That "permanent" hit me right between the eyes. There was a loss and a grief there (before and after surgery) that I hadn't expected. I clung to the Jeremiah verse, too--don't you just love God?!